Reunion

I just got home from the hospital. I was there for five days with Toxic Shock Syndrome, a very serious and very scary disease. I’ve been away from my babies and Dan and my dog. I experienced a lot of emotions while I was hospitalized:
Guilt and regret that I had to miss participating in the wedding of a close friend.
Jealousy that I missed the party because it sure looked fun!
Respect for the compassionate teams of doctors from the Medicine, OB/GYN, Dermatology and Infectious Diseases practices who got me better and continually explained what was going on.
Humbling gratitude at the generosity of a dear friend who provided breastmilk for my babies when I could not.
Fear and helplessness when I realized the seriousness of my situation and that my fate was beyond my control.
Embarrassment when I once again reconfirmed my theory that I have difficulty sleeping without Lola.
Heartache at watching my husband struggle to fulfill so many roles and put on a happy face when his wife was in the hospital and no one could explain why she was so sick.
Reassurance in knowing that no matter what, Dan will always take care of me.
Awe at the dutiful sacrifices my parents and sister made to care for the babies around the clock.
Sadness as I realized the babies’ needs were being met, they were thriving, and they didn’t need me.
But they will. Because now I get to be with them every day. I’m going to teach them, encourage them, support them. I’m going to fix it when something goes wrong, clean their faces, read with them, help them explore the world. I’m going to introduce them to each other and to Lola, and hope that everyone can be friends.
And I hope that nothing terrible ever happens to my kids and that they never get horribly ill. But if at age 32, either one of them winds up in the hospital and is moaning, crying or screaming, I hope that through it all, just as I did, they are calling out for Mommy.