Back to Work

I started back at work today. Over the last few weeks I've struggled with reconciling my excitement for returning to my job with my angst of leaving my babies at home. Does that make me a bad mom, that I want to go back to work? I've been trying to convince myself for weeks that it doesn't, and I've told Bretty and Magdalena over and over again that when they are old enough, I hope they understand my choice. For now, as construction is about to begin, I've explained to them that Mommy has to go to work so they can have a playroom in the basement.
We have the greatest nanny in the world, so I've had no worries about how the babies will fare without me. I used to worry that they wouldn't know me, but I got to see Dan's return to the workforce after being a bum around the house -- I mean, very busy dad and carpenter -- for three months, and without question the babies were still overjoyed to see him even when he was busy away at work and didn't seem them much. Besides, I'll always be the one who makes the milk, and the babies know that. I also used to fret about how unfair it would be that someone else got to spend more time with my babies than me. I think that resentful jealousy diminished once I got to know our nanny.
So really it just comes down to missing them because they are so cute and I need to smooch them a million times a day. I missed them while I was at work, but the coming home was bittersweet. It was clearly the highlight of the day -- I got to play with smiling babies for well over an hour and feed them twice and put them down to bed. But it was such a short while, and I got so sad when they went to sleep. It was exciting to fully dedicate that time to them. All I did was play and smooch and cuddle and hold and touch and laugh and pet them. No answering the phone. No checking email while they played on the activity mat. No starting dinner while they kicked in their chairs. Every day I get to look forward to that quality time, and I'm sure it will help me get through the day. That, and the pictures in my office and looking at the pictures on this blog at least once a hour. And talking about my babies to anyone who will listen.

My first day back was great. Busy, but I loved being thrown right back into things. I work in a very supportive environment, and I had no problem fitting in enough pumping time even though I was in court a lot. The worst part were my feet -- I haven't worn heels in a very long time.